Maybe think next time you:

*Don’t count a baby as a person-

Unless you are planning to put the baby back in the car before you sit at your table, high chairs take up room, carriers take up room, an extra chair (for the carrier) takes up room, an extra chair (for a booster seat, just in case he doesn’t like the high chair) takes up room, strollers take up (a LOT) of room. A baby takes up room. A baby is a person.

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*Walk through the front door on your phone and try to mouth at the host what you need-

Do you really still need to be told how rude this is?

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*Call at 12:30 pm, right in the middle of lunch rush (or 7:30pm, right in the middle of dinner rush) to explain every detail about what kind of birthday you want to have for your boyfriend there in two weeks:

How many might be in the party, who might have to come late, who would probably get there early because they will be running an errand close by anyway, what errand they will be running, who’s coming from out of town, where they’re coming from, how long they have to drive to get there, how long they will be in town, how old your boyfriend is, what kind of cake you want to get him, who, in your party, has been there before, what that person has told you about the restaurant, what questions that person wasn’t sure how to answer about a party at the restaurant, that this dinner will be a surprise for your boyfriend, that you’ve never given him a surprise party before, etc. All the while, you keep trying to find clever ways of asking for a reservation without calling it a reservation. No one cares about any of that, especially when the restaurant is slammed packed with people (that massive roar you hear in the background) and the person on the phone is also the person who is supposed to be greeting everyone when they walk in. You got your answer about reservations. If you really want to chat it up about…every… detail, call back when you’ve figured out that other people exist and that there is an appropriate time to call one of the busiest restaurants in town for something like this.

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*”We want to go ahead and sit down but we have two more people coming, in like an hour”-

First of all,

you see that it is pretty crowded. You’re not even curious if a table is actually available? No need to bother with that detail. You’re just, what, assuming that not only are we going to make a server wait to wait on you as you hold his table for half the shift, as an incomplete party, but you don’t even have to wait for a table (at all) like everyone else around you is having to do?

“We’ll go ahead and order drinks. So, we’ll be spending money.”

Yeah, like everyone else is doing, while they wait… at the bar.

Secondly,

let’s say there isn’t a wait. Ok then. You would need to be prepared to estimate how much money your (completed) table will spend and round it up to the nearest hundred then..double.. that amount and tip 20%-30% of that total and pay half of it up front, when you sit down, before this would be acceptable, anyway. Think.

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*Take napkins (or anything) off the table next to you-

That could be someone else’s table, at any moment. What you took will have to be replaced, including the silverware that was sitting atop the napkin that you yanked. When you (as a person who is not sitting at that table), touch something on that table, from that moment, anything on that table must be considered dirty. Why? It is likely that your hand touched something, in addition to the napkin. Think. Would you want to sit down at a table knowing that the strangers sitting next to you just touched your silverware? There is potential for this to be quite obvious. For instance, let’s say none of the employees happen to notice. Therefore, when someone is being seated there, the table is still the way you left it: silverware strewn out all over the table like a neglected game of Pick-up-Sticks. This is quite uninviting and dirty looking to the newcomer. But again, what is equally inconsiderate is the fact that one of the employees just might notice and will  therefore have to reset the table which gives them unnecessary, extra work. There are servers, bussers, food runners, hosts and managers on the floor, walking around back and forth constantly, the entire time you’re there. Ask one of them to get you what you need.

This also goes for placing your coat, purse or computer, etc  down on the table, or in a chair at the table, next to you. You have plenty of space on the table (and chairs) that you were given. You are paying for the food that fits on one table, you are tipping for one table. Use your own table for your own things. Someone else’s table is someone else’s table.

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*Lie about how many people you have in your party-

You know who you are. Just be straight. It makes everything so much more complicated when you lie thinking it will get you seated more quickly. Don’t play with someone’s job like that, especially considering that you are undoubtedly the same person who will lie and gripe and pout and then blame the host for all of your (self-created) disappointment and discomfort when a manager gets involved (because you asked to speak to one). Don’t play with someone’s job like that. It’s incredibly selfish and could potentially be grounds to have them fired. Let’s say you came into the restaurant every week for a month and acted this way, every time. The management would be forced to wonder if this employee is just not getting something right. Someone only gets so many complaints before something must be done. Luckily, you don’t come in every week and managers can usually see through your ways and generally know who to blame, but there is a point being made, here. It’s not the employee’s fault, at all, in a situation with someone like you. The only problem is simply the fact that you are the person you are. So, yes, it is possible that your lies and superior attitude and complete lack of consideration for another human being could cause someone to loose their job. Like, loose their job, by which they pay for their life. How utterly unjust is that? Over something so, ultimately- unimportant. Just be straight.

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*Stand in front of the entrance to the kitchen.

Just…stand there. You see servers, etc come in and out and you almost get hit a couple of times and you’re told, ‘excuse me, sir’ every 15 seconds and you just…don’t move. Why doesn’t your brain tap into an alliterative action in that moment? How do you just… keep standing there? How?

Same goes for standing in the front doorway, once you’ve already checked in-

You just stand there. Newcomers open the door and literally can’t come inside because you’re just…standing there and just…won’t move. How has brains don’t?

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*Leave your sticky glass or used napkin (OR ANYTHING) on a random (clean) table on your way out the door-

You just dirtied a clean table with your trash. Someone has to clean that table again, now. Your own table just, wasn’t right for it? Because, you just dirtied a clean table with your trash. Have a nice day.

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*The host is a hired employee who has a set of guidelines to follow and a set of rules to enforce, all given to him/her by their boss. Think it through the next time you get angry and make it personal. Look at it this way:  Just think, what if all four hundred people the host has to speak to on a given night were to act just like you, what absolute chaos that would be, what absolute hell.

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*If the host is writing something or speaking to someone else or, is on the phone, it’s really easy, just look at it like this:  How much do you like being interrupted? There’s a reason interrupting is frustrating and rude. I bet you could tell the host, fast enough, what that reason is, if she did it to you. When the person in front of you walks away and the host is still writing information down from that person (indicators:  her head is down and she is clearly concentrating on something), how about a little common curtesy? Example:  wait until she is done doing what she is doing and looks up at you and addresses you, indicating that she is done with the task at hand and is ready to greet you. Think. This is especially irritating because nine times out of ten, you don’t just step up and say, “Hello” and wait. You step up and say, “We have four. How long is your wait? Is there seating outside? We want to sit outside. And where is your bathroom?” You say all of this in one breath while the host can’t even look up at you yet, because she is still finishing doing what she has to do to be assured that she is (also) taking (equally good) care of the person who came in, before you. Seriously.

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You are not the only person who matters. Maybe think next time.