Host: “Hello, (smiles) how are you?”

Guest: “We have four. (looking at her phone, the other three girls follow her through the door talking about friends who have been there before and recommended it)

Host: “Would you like inside or outside? We also have the covered patio area which is that area in between inside and out.” (points to the patio)

Guest: (looks in the direction of outside then back at her phone then quickly at the host then back at her phone) “What’s the difference?”

Host: “Our garden is all the way outside. The covered patio is basically considered outside. It’s the area in between inside and out. It’s covered, but there’s an open doorway to the outside. We do have fans on the patio, but it’s all open. (gestures to the patio area and the garden beyond it) They’re both outside, basically. The main difference is that the patio has a cover.”

It is plainly obvious that the patio and the garden are two different areas and several people are sitting in each area, helping further distinguish one area from the other.

Guest: (looks at her friend) “Um, I mean, (bends her knees, looks out over the restaurant, toward the patio area and the garden beyond it) Is it..? (looks at the host, finally) I mean… (looks toward the patio again) Is it hot outside?”

The host pauses, __suppresses__ what could possibly be the most condescending sentence/question one person has ever spoken to another and chooses, instead, to act as if there was a reason for her to turn around for a moment (‘did someone say my name?’) to fill that space with anything but eye contact, if for one precious moment… this, in order to gear up to gracefully repeat the same information over again and check her tone as not to seem to be loosing her patience.

Host: “The outside seating area, the garden, is all the way outside. So, yeah, you would be outside. (gentle, soft delivery of the word, ‘yeah’). And we have the patio area which is covered (gestures to the patio again, very visible from where they stand) but it is also basically outside because we have all the windows and the doorway open out there.” (simply repeats information in order to avoid actually answering the question)

Guest: “We’ve never been here before.” (she says with a bit of a snap)

Host: (manages a smile and takes a breath preparing to repeat herself, for the third time) “Yeah, (even softer, still) we do have a lot of people sitting out there. I guess it really depends on your tolerance for the heat. It is outside.. But of, course we do have plenty of tables inside. If you’d rather not risk it being too hot, I could seat you in here..?” (angles body to showcase the tables along the wall behind her)

Guest: “Oh. OK. (looks out over the restaurant) Yeah. (looks back at her friend) What do you think? (doesn’t give her friend time to answer) I just don’t know. I mean, it’s probably pretty hot outside. We could just sit in here.” (stands there with a blank stare and pouts for a full five seconds. No one else in her party says anything.)

The host smiles with great effort over a deep inhale.

Guest: (with a sudden burst of adventurousness) “Let’s do it! (looks at the friend, as if she had anything to do with the decision) We’ll sit outside!”

Host: “Right this way.”

The host walks them through the restaurant and through the doorway that leads to the patio and walks them through the patio, out to the garden.

Guest: “Oh, you meant, like, outside, outside.”

The host ignores this last statement.

Host: “Here we go. (puts the menus down) Nice and shaded spot for you. Enjoy everything.”

Guest: “Thank you! (very excited) It’s SO cute out here!”

A few moments later a server comes to the host and tells her that the four girls at table seventy-two just moved themselves to the patio. Just a moment after that, a different server comes to the host and tells her that those four girls just sat down in their section and the table wasn’t clean.

So, let’s see…

“Is it hot outside?”

It’s August. We’re in the south. You just walked from your car to the front door. You tell me. If you’re trying to determine how hot it will be… Let’s see:  have you ever sat on a patio during summertime? Have you ever sat on a porch during  summertime? Have you ever, during summertime, sat in an outside area that has a cover and fans running, but is still considered outside because the windows and doors are open? My guess is, probably. How did that feel? Was that too hot for you? Were you eating at the time? How did that feel? Were you comfortable, then? The patio situation was explained, in detail. So, either you do not, at all, listen to words that are being said to you or  you have a very subpar memory for life situations that you’re bound to have experienced many, many times by now. Otherwise, if it’s the actual outside about which you inquire, then, outside is, well, outside is outside, isn’t it? It’s outside. Outside is outside. Outside is the outside that you walked through to get inside. Our outside is the same as anyone else’s outside, including your very own outside, like in your own yard! Outside is just right out there, outside. It’s outside. Plain ole outside. Just the same ole outty, outty outside as any other ole outty outside…………… What do you mean, “Is it hot outside?”  IS IT HOT OUTSIDE? Regardless of what you meant specifically, you just asked someone, “Is it hot outside?” A host (just because you have questions) isn’t, all of a sudden, a psychic who can get inside your mind and understand if your very simple question has some deeper meaning. Beyond that, nor can she be expected to instinctively understand exactly what you meant, specifically by ‘hot’ and tune into your personal opinion of what you consider hot and how you, specially gage your own tolerance for the heat. Besides that, if what you’re asking of her isn’t that complicated, then the only thing left is her own opinion about the heat, if she thinks it’s too hot to eat outside. What does that have to do with you?

“We’ve never been here before” was delivered so late in the conversation that the only purpose it served, at that point, was to buy you some time. You had all the information you needed, right from the beginning and your snappiness was textbook blame shifting. Your indecisiveness isn’t the host’s fault. You’re here because your friends told you about the place, but the garden wasn’t a part of the appeal? They didn’t mention it? Or, maybe you just didn’t believe they meant like a garden, garden that’s outside, outside.

If you had to be seated by the host once, what makes you think you don’t need to be reseated by the host if you don’t like your current table? If it’s OK for you to just get up and move wherever you want, why would there need to be a host, at all?

Stay tuned for more on guests moving themselves without checking with the host, first. What a joy. That deserves it’s own story.