Host: “Hello. How are you?”

Guest: “Cold!” (shakes it off)

Host: “I know! It’s so cold! Come on in and get warm. I wish somehow people could get inside without having to actually open the door (says through a laughing exhale). How many in your party?”

Guest: “Seven. You guys look busy. Do you have a table?”

Host: “Well, you have good timing. (smile) We have a table on the patio available. That’s where larger parties usually sit.”

The guest goes stiff
She lets her knees buckle in defeat, she peers out into the patio area with shrugged shoulders and clutches her scarf.

Guest: “You mean, OUTSIDE!?”

The guest says this with the expression of having just witnessed something horrible that the host was indecently mocking. Completely insulted. Totally terrified.

Host: “Oh, no…the patio is closed-in right now for the winter. All the windows are closed and we have a heater. Oh yeah, it’s warm out there.” (smile)

Guest: “OH! OK! I seriously thought you were going to try to seat us outside! And I’m like, I’M FREEZING! Can’t she tell?! Why would she DO that?”

Host: “Haha. Oh yeah, we’re going to keep you warm! I wouldn’t do that to ya!” (-external- smile)

The guest shakes it off one more time with a jerk as if a gnat just entered the picture and holds her expression as if she still believes her incredulity is actually what made the host change her mind and realize how absurd the idea was.

Alrighty now. So, lets look at the facts:

-It’s 27 degrees outside.

-When you came through the front door and mentioned how cold you were the host empathized with you and even made a comment about how she wishes the door didn’t have to open.

-When you peered into the patio area, what did you see? You saw about twenty people sitting in the patio area. And in seeing this, several things are easily discernible:

1. They are all eating.
2. No one is shivering, hunching or giving the impression they are cold, at all. They seem quite comfortable.
3. They have their coats draped beside them on the bench where they sit, or on the railing next to their table. This implies, they are so comfortable they don’t even need their coats.
4. This probably means the patio isn’t considered ‘outside’ on this particular day, due to the cold weather.
5. The windows and the doors on the patio are clearly closed to the outside, hence what seems to be a quite comfortable environment.
6. There are two huge, garage style doors in the center of the restaurant that divide the inside area from the patio area. One of these doors is on the main floor. The other door is in the bar area. Each of these huge doors is open, open to the patio so, the restaurant is one big room including the inside and the closed-in patio.
7. Everyone sitting inside looks quite comfortable. No one looks cold.
8. Since the two huge, garage style doors (that open to the patio) are both open, and no one looks cold inside, then the patio must not be cold. Otherwise, inside would be cold.
9. While it is possible, the chances are insanely slim that the only twenty people in the world who enjoy eating outside when it’s freezing and while doing so show absolutely no signs of discomfort (like, at all), just so happen to (all) be at this restaurant, in this town, on this night, at the exact same time. But that’s just too unlikely.

So, now that we have reviewed the facts. I wish I could give you a re-do on this. I know you can do better. It’s called discernment of empathy, process of reasoning and assessment. So much opportunity for you to think for yourself. So much. So, let’s start over because no, I did not just suggest that you sit outside.

Act I

Host: “Hello. How many?”

Guest: “Well, we have three now and two (possibly three) more are on their way.”

Host: “Ok. It will be about a half- hour wait. So, let me go ahead and get your name in.”

Guest: “What about that table, right there? That one’s open.” (points to a nearby, empty table with his head cocked and his lip curled in mock confusion, then looks back at the other people in his party with a jerk and a frown)

Host: “Oh yes, we have called someone for that table and we’re waiting for them to come back to the host stand to be seated.”

Guest: “Um, OK..? So, you can’t just…OK, whatever.”

Host: “Would you like to get your name in?”

Guest: “Um. Sure. Yeah, let’s do that. I mean, I guess we have to.”

First of all,

Oh… Oh my gosh! There’s a table RIGHT there. I totally didn’t see that. Oh my gosh. You’re so right and so smart and so observant and so super. I’m such and idiot. Of course, of course, of courseofcourse, right this way!!

So, there’s that..

Secondly,

Your better human, table-spotting powers are shorting out. There are three of you now. You said two, possibly three more are coming. That’s (possibly) six people. Either way, definitely five people. That table? That table seats four people. There are four chairs at that table. It’s a table for four. Four people.

Lastly,

I told you there is a thirty minute wait. Let’s say I haven’t actually noticed the table, yet. I mean, let’s just omit the fact that seeing that table and being aware of that table is precisely the reason I am here. Such a thing precisely defines an entire section of my job description. But let’s say I didn’t see it. Then, at the very least, when I do notice that the table is open, well, I’d probably call one of the sixteen names who checked in before you and put one of them at that table, wouldn’t you think? I mean, right? Maybe I’m wrong. But that seems to make sense to me. So, the table already belongs to one of them. It wouldn’t be yours, anyway. Otherwise, why is there a thirty minute wait? Don’t get me wrong, here. I like fun. But, I’m not just making you wait, for fun. I’m not suggesting that you wait thirty minutes. I’m telling you the wait is thirty minutes. It’s probably because there are so many other people here, besides you. So, yes, you ‘have to’.

*************

Act II

Host: “Hello. How many?” (smiles)

Guest: “Three”

Host: “Ok. The wait is about half an hour. Put your number in here. We’ll call you when your table is ready.”

Guest puts in number.

Host: “And what’s your name?”

Guest gives name.

Guest: “We definitely do NOT want to sit anywhere NEAR outside, like the patio or area, or anything like that. We want the most inside table, possible.”

Host: “Ok, I’ll make sure you guys have a table on the main floor, in this area here (gestures to what is called ‘inside’).

Guest: “OK, great.”

Host: “We’ll give you a call when your table is ready. Thank you, ladies.”

Guest: “Thank you!”

A few other guests sign in. The lady returns.

Guest: “We noticed a couple of empty tables, out there. (points to the patio) Can we just go sit at one of those?”

Host: “Well, actually, we have called for those tables, already. It just takes a couple of minutes for people to make it back up to the host stand so we can walk them to their table.

So,

Apply pertinent commentary from Act 1. But, I will also add here:

In case you forgot, I’m going to quote you, miss: “We definitely do NOT want to sit anywhere NEAR outside, like the patio area, or anything like that. We want the most inside table, possible.”

So, your specific request for what must be strictly adhered-to reasons (otherwise, what’s the point in such adamancy and specification), is totally thrown out the window when you discover there’s a table open…on the patio?

Absolutely NO seating outside (or near it, like the patio) unless there’s a table open…on the patio. I can’t words.

*************

Act III

The frantic and enthusiastic/frustrated nature by which the guest opens and walks through the front door gives the host no chance nor the time to say anything.

Guest: “We noticed TONS of empty tables outside. So, there’s not a wait for outside, obviously. All those people must be waiting for inside. We don’t have to wait for outside, right? There’s five of us. We can just go sit out there. I mean, with all the empty tables, these people obviously aren’t waiting to go out there. Or, I mean, why would they be waiting? So, we can just… go out there?”

Host: “We do have a couple of empty tables out there but we are gathering tables for a large party. So, that counts for some of it. We have also called a couple other tables and we’re waiting for them to come back up to the host stand so we can get them seated.”

Guest: “So, we can’t just go sit out there? At one of those empty tables? There’s only five of us.”

Host: “We are working on getting those tables filled. In addition to the two we’re saving for the large party, it’s just taking a few minutes to get everything re-seated. We had more than one table clear out at once. It just takes a few minutes sometimes to get it all filled up again.

The guest looks at the host, back out toward the garden with bent knees and back at her again and frowns.

Host: “The wait is about an hour right now. Do you want to go ahead and get your name in?”

Guest: “What? The wait is an hour with all those tables just sitting empty, out there?”

The host chooses not to repeat herself. She smiles over an inhale.

Host: “Let me go ahead and get your name in and you guys are welcome to grab a drink at the bar. We also have a waiting area in the garden. You can take your drinks and sit out there, while you wait.” (smile)

Guest: “I just don’t get it. Whatever. Alright. An hour? Is the burger even really that good?”

All the host is willing to offer in response to this new level of pouting via such a cleverly refreshed and multi-purposed and well, quite reasonably dubious (thank you, very much) question is an eyebrow-lifted, tight-lipped upturn of her mouth.

Guest gives his name and puts in his number.

Host: “We’ll call you when your table is ready.”

Guest: “Oh boy!”

Apply pertinent commentary from Act 1. But, I will also add here:

-First of all, currently, there are only three empty tables outside (out of twenty). That isn’t ‘TONS’.

-Maybe there are large parties that take more than one table in order to be properly accommodated. Each of those tables needs to be close to one another. Maybe this takes some time. Each table in question is currently occupied by groups of people who aren’t together. They are separate groups of people. Each of them has to get up in their own time so the table can be cleaned and reset. Considering that they are separate groups (each taking up their own table), they didn’t come in together or sit down at the same time. So, the chance that they are going to get up to leave at the exact same time is quite improbable which is why all the tables needed for the large party aren’t ready, yet which is why the large party hasn’t been brought to their table, yet, which is why that particular table is sitting there, empty.

Therefore,

Sometimes, tables have to sit empty for a few minutes in order to get a group of tables open, together, at the same time to accommodate a large party.

Beyond that,

-Maybe one of the names called on the list (to be seated at one of the other two empty tables outside) hasn’t shown back up to the host stand because it is taking some time for them to pay out at the bar which creates a lag in the seating process.

-Maybe one of the names called on the list (to be seated at one of the other two empty tables outside) ended up eating at the bar and didn’t tell the host, so now, she’s starting over with the next person on the list which creates a lag in the seating process.

-Maybe one of the names called on the list (to be seated at one of the other two empty tables outside) ended up leaving and didn’t tell the host  so now, she’s starting over with the next person on the list which creates a lag in the seating process.

-Maybe one of the names called on the list (to be seated at one of the other two empty tables outside) ended up growing in number to twice its original size so now, she is having to plan to hold another table in hopes that something else opens up, close by. Since this party is next in line, a certain amount of time is allotted to try to take care of this party in proper order, if possible which creates a lag in the seating process.

-Maybe one of the names called on the list (to be seated at one of the other two empty tables outside) can’t be found. The host has to put in a certain amount of effort for each guest to make sure they are aware that they are being called. Sometimes, this means taking the time to call the same party two or three times before they notice. If the host does not do this, and she moves on to the next person on the list, she risks having that party come up to her twenty minutes later and say they missed their call (but of course, still want their table ASAP). That puts the host in quite a bind and creates a lag in the seating process.

*
-Maybe the host does not have the time to explain all the possible reasons why the tables, in the garden are in whatever particular stage of seated and/or not seated.

All of you from Act I, II & III:

-Maybe you should kindly sit, relax, have a drink and wait. Maybe, kindly trust someone to do their job.

-I mean, unless you’re willing to somehow try to make and announcement to all of the human beings of the world to act right and to do what they say they will do and to consider other people and other people’s jobs when selfishly carrying on as if no one else matters…just as you, yourself have done here, today.

Host: “Hello. How ar..”

Guest: “Do you have a wait?”

Host: “Yes, it’s about twent…”

Guest: “Is the outside open?”

Host: “Yes, seating in the garden is avail…”

Guest: “We want to sit outside”

Host: “Ok, so how…”

Guest: “There are six of us”

Host: “Ok, let me have you put in your num…”

Guest: “Will you just call my name out, or what?”

Host: “Let me have you put in your number and…”

Guest: “Oh, I just put in my number here? My cell phone number?”

Host: “Yes, and we’ll give you a call when…”

Guest: “You’ll call my phone?”

Guest enters number

Host: “And what’s your na…”

Guest: “Oh, and my name is Jessica”

Host: “Ok. We’ll give you a call when…”

Guest: “Where’s your bathroom?”

The host angles her body toward the direction of the bathroom.

Host: “It’s straight ba….”

Guest: “I’m going to the bathroom, who’s coming?” (looking back at her friends)

Two of her friends go with her. The other three pivot on the spot, unsure what to do.

Host: “You guys are welcome to wait at…”

Guest: “Hey, can we just wait at the bar?” (Jessica asked walking back to the host stand)

Host: “Absolutely” (smiles)

Speaking ahead of someone who is answering your questions while refusing to let that person complete one single sentence. What is tha…?

Host: “Hello. How are you?”

Guest: “Hi there. I am doing well. How are you?” (eye contact, genuine smile, pleasant demeanor)

Host: “I’m good, thank you. (absolute, undivided attention wrapped up in gratitude) How many in your party?”

Guest: (still making eye contact, still smiling) “We have four today.”

Host: “Ok then. (smiles, almost like she’s known him her whole life, at this point) Well, would you like to sit outside, in the garden or inside…? The patio is also open..”

Guest: “It’s a beautiful day. We’d love to sit outside.”

Host: “Alright. Right this way”

The host and guest exchange another smile. He turns to address his other three people and they file in behind him (also quite pleasant, easy going, simple smiles).

Host: “Alright. Here we go. Will this be ok for you guys?” (puts menus down, makes eye contact and smiles)

Guest: “Oh, man, this is great. (returns eye contact) Thank you so much.” (smiles)

The host walks away with the feeling of compassion rushing into her through a deep, smiling inhale.

Simple, direct, genuine. That’s it. Thank you, sir. You could never know how much your pleasantness means to me.  I could seriously French Kiss you, right now.

Maybe think next time you:

*Don’t count a baby as a person-

Unless you are planning to put the baby back in the car before you sit at your table, high chairs take up room, carriers take up room, an extra chair (for the carrier) takes up room, an extra chair (for a booster seat, just in case he doesn’t like the high chair) takes up room, strollers take up (a LOT) of room. A baby takes up room. A baby is a person.

__

*Walk through the front door on your phone and try to mouth at the host what you need-

Do you really still need to be told how rude this is?

__

*Call at 12:30 pm, right in the middle of lunch rush (or 7:30pm, right in the middle of dinner rush) to explain every detail about what kind of birthday you want to have for your boyfriend there in two weeks:

How many might be in the party, who might have to come late, who would probably get there early because they will be running an errand close by anyway, what errand they will be running, who’s coming from out of town, where they’re coming from, how long they have to drive to get there, how long they will be in town, how old your boyfriend is, what kind of cake you want to get him, who, in your party, has been there before, what that person has told you about the restaurant, what questions that person wasn’t sure how to answer about a party at the restaurant, that this dinner will be a surprise for your boyfriend, that you’ve never given him a surprise party before, etc. All the while, you keep trying to find clever ways of asking for a reservation without calling it a reservation. No one cares about any of that, especially when the restaurant is slammed packed with people (that massive roar you hear in the background) and the person on the phone is also the person who is supposed to be greeting everyone when they walk in. You got your answer about reservations. If you really want to chat it up about…every… detail, call back when you’ve figured out that other people exist and that there is an appropriate time to call one of the busiest restaurants in town for something like this.

__

*”We want to go ahead and sit down but we have two more people coming, in like an hour”-

First of all,

you see that it is pretty crowded. You’re not even curious if a table is actually available? No need to bother with that detail. You’re just, what, assuming that not only are we going to make a server wait to wait on you as you hold his table for half the shift, as an incomplete party, but you don’t even have to wait for a table (at all) like everyone else around you is having to do?

“We’ll go ahead and order drinks. So, we’ll be spending money.”

Yeah, like everyone else is doing, while they wait… at the bar.

Secondly,

let’s say there isn’t a wait. Ok then. You would need to be prepared to estimate how much money your (completed) table will spend and round it up to the nearest hundred then..double.. that amount and tip 20%-30% of that total and pay half of it up front, when you sit down, before this would be acceptable, anyway. Think.

__

*Take napkins (or anything) off the table next to you-

That could be someone else’s table, at any moment. What you took will have to be replaced, including the silverware that was sitting atop the napkin that you yanked. When you (as a person who is not sitting at that table), touch something on that table, from that moment, anything on that table must be considered dirty. Why? It is likely that your hand touched something, in addition to the napkin. Think. Would you want to sit down at a table knowing that the strangers sitting next to you just touched your silverware? There is potential for this to be quite obvious. For instance, let’s say none of the employees happen to notice. Therefore, when someone is being seated there, the table is still the way you left it: silverware strewn out all over the table like a neglected game of Pick-up-Sticks. This is quite uninviting and dirty looking to the newcomer. But again, what is equally inconsiderate is the fact that one of the employees just might notice and will  therefore have to reset the table which gives them unnecessary, extra work. There are servers, bussers, food runners, hosts and managers on the floor, walking around back and forth constantly, the entire time you’re there. Ask one of them to get you what you need.

This also goes for placing your coat, purse or computer, etc  down on the table, or in a chair at the table, next to you. You have plenty of space on the table (and chairs) that you were given. You are paying for the food that fits on one table, you are tipping for one table. Use your own table for your own things. Someone else’s table is someone else’s table.

__

*Lie about how many people you have in your party-

You know who you are. Just be straight. It makes everything so much more complicated when you lie thinking it will get you seated more quickly. Don’t play with someone’s job like that, especially considering that you are undoubtedly the same person who will lie and gripe and pout and then blame the host for all of your (self-created) disappointment and discomfort when a manager gets involved (because you asked to speak to one). Don’t play with someone’s job like that. It’s incredibly selfish and could potentially be grounds to have them fired. Let’s say you came into the restaurant every week for a month and acted this way, every time. The management would be forced to wonder if this employee is just not getting something right. Someone only gets so many complaints before something must be done. Luckily, you don’t come in every week and managers can usually see through your ways and generally know who to blame, but there is a point being made, here. It’s not the employee’s fault, at all, in a situation with someone like you. The only problem is simply the fact that you are the person you are. So, yes, it is possible that your lies and superior attitude and complete lack of consideration for another human being could cause someone to loose their job. Like, loose their job, by which they pay for their life. How utterly unjust is that? Over something so, ultimately- unimportant. Just be straight.

__

*Stand in front of the entrance to the kitchen.

Just…stand there. You see servers, etc come in and out and you almost get hit a couple of times and you’re told, ‘excuse me, sir’ every 15 seconds and you just…don’t move. Why doesn’t your brain tap into an alliterative action in that moment? How do you just… keep standing there? How?

Same goes for standing in the front doorway, once you’ve already checked in-

You just stand there. Newcomers open the door and literally can’t come inside because you’re just…standing there and just…won’t move. How has brains don’t?

__

*Leave your sticky glass or used napkin (OR ANYTHING) on a random (clean) table on your way out the door-

You just dirtied a clean table with your trash. Someone has to clean that table again, now. Your own table just, wasn’t right for it? Because, you just dirtied a clean table with your trash. Have a nice day.

__

*The host is a hired employee who has a set of guidelines to follow and a set of rules to enforce, all given to him/her by their boss. Think it through the next time you get angry and make it personal. Look at it this way:  Just think, what if all four hundred people the host has to speak to on a given night were to act just like you, what absolute chaos that would be, what absolute hell.

__

*If the host is writing something or speaking to someone else or, is on the phone, it’s really easy, just look at it like this:  How much do you like being interrupted? There’s a reason interrupting is frustrating and rude. I bet you could tell the host, fast enough, what that reason is, if she did it to you. When the person in front of you walks away and the host is still writing information down from that person (indicators:  her head is down and she is clearly concentrating on something), how about a little common curtesy? Example:  wait until she is done doing what she is doing and looks up at you and addresses you, indicating that she is done with the task at hand and is ready to greet you. Think. This is especially irritating because nine times out of ten, you don’t just step up and say, “Hello” and wait. You step up and say, “We have four. How long is your wait? Is there seating outside? We want to sit outside. And where is your bathroom?” You say all of this in one breath while the host can’t even look up at you yet, because she is still finishing doing what she has to do to be assured that she is (also) taking (equally good) care of the person who came in, before you. Seriously.

__

You are not the only person who matters. Maybe think next time.

Host: “Hello, (smiles) how are you?”

Guest: “We have four. (looking at her phone, the other three girls follow her through the door talking about friends who have been there before and recommended it)

Host: “Would you like inside or outside? We also have the covered patio area which is that area in between inside and out.” (points to the patio)

Guest: (looks in the direction of outside then back at her phone then quickly at the host then back at her phone) “What’s the difference?”

Host: “Our garden is all the way outside. The covered patio is basically considered outside. It’s the area in between inside and out. It’s covered, but there’s an open doorway to the outside. We do have fans on the patio, but it’s all open. (gestures to the patio area and the garden beyond it) They’re both outside, basically. The main difference is that the patio has a cover.”

It is plainly obvious that the patio and the garden are two different areas and several people are sitting in each area, helping further distinguish one area from the other.

Guest: (looks at her friend) “Um, I mean, (bends her knees, looks out over the restaurant, toward the patio area and the garden beyond it) Is it..? (looks at the host, finally) I mean… (looks toward the patio again) Is it hot outside?”

The host pauses, __suppresses__ what could possibly be the most condescending sentence/question one person has ever spoken to another and chooses, instead, to act as if there was a reason for her to turn around for a moment (‘did someone say my name?’) to fill that space with anything but eye contact, if for one precious moment… this, in order to gear up to gracefully repeat the same information over again and check her tone as not to seem to be loosing her patience.

Host: “The outside seating area, the garden, is all the way outside. So, yeah, you would be outside. (gentle, soft delivery of the word, ‘yeah’). And we have the patio area which is covered (gestures to the patio again, very visible from where they stand) but it is also basically outside because we have all the windows and the doorway open out there.” (simply repeats information in order to avoid actually answering the question)

Guest: “We’ve never been here before.” (she says with a bit of a snap)

Host: (manages a smile and takes a breath preparing to repeat herself, for the third time) “Yeah, (even softer, still) we do have a lot of people sitting out there. I guess it really depends on your tolerance for the heat. It is outside.. But of, course we do have plenty of tables inside. If you’d rather not risk it being too hot, I could seat you in here..?” (angles body to showcase the tables along the wall behind her)

Guest: “Oh. OK. (looks out over the restaurant) Yeah. (looks back at her friend) What do you think? (doesn’t give her friend time to answer) I just don’t know. I mean, it’s probably pretty hot outside. We could just sit in here.” (stands there with a blank stare and pouts for a full five seconds. No one else in her party says anything.)

The host smiles with great effort over a deep inhale.

Guest: (with a sudden burst of adventurousness) “Let’s do it! (looks at the friend, as if she had anything to do with the decision) We’ll sit outside!”

Host: “Right this way.”

The host walks them through the restaurant and through the doorway that leads to the patio and walks them through the patio, out to the garden.

Guest: “Oh, you meant, like, outside, outside.”

The host ignores this last statement.

Host: “Here we go. (puts the menus down) Nice and shaded spot for you. Enjoy everything.”

Guest: “Thank you! (very excited) It’s SO cute out here!”

A few moments later a server comes to the host and tells her that the four girls at table seventy-two just moved themselves to the patio. Just a moment after that, a different server comes to the host and tells her that those four girls just sat down in their section and the table wasn’t clean.

So, let’s see…

“Is it hot outside?”

It’s August. We’re in the south. You just walked from your car to the front door. You tell me. If you’re trying to determine how hot it will be… Let’s see:  have you ever sat on a patio during summertime? Have you ever sat on a porch during  summertime? Have you ever, during summertime, sat in an outside area that has a cover and fans running, but is still considered outside because the windows and doors are open? My guess is, probably. How did that feel? Was that too hot for you? Were you eating at the time? How did that feel? Were you comfortable, then? The patio situation was explained, in detail. So, either you do not, at all, listen to words that are being said to you or  you have a very subpar memory for life situations that you’re bound to have experienced many, many times by now. Otherwise, if it’s the actual outside about which you inquire, then, outside is, well, outside is outside, isn’t it? It’s outside. Outside is outside. Outside is the outside that you walked through to get inside. Our outside is the same as anyone else’s outside, including your very own outside, like in your own yard! Outside is just right out there, outside. It’s outside. Plain ole outside. Just the same ole outty, outty outside as any other ole outty outside…………… What do you mean, “Is it hot outside?”  IS IT HOT OUTSIDE? Regardless of what you meant specifically, you just asked someone, “Is it hot outside?” A host (just because you have questions) isn’t, all of a sudden, a psychic who can get inside your mind and understand if your very simple question has some deeper meaning. Beyond that, nor can she be expected to instinctively understand exactly what you meant, specifically by ‘hot’ and tune into your personal opinion of what you consider hot and how you, specially gage your own tolerance for the heat. Besides that, if what you’re asking of her isn’t that complicated, then the only thing left is her own opinion about the heat, if she thinks it’s too hot to eat outside. What does that have to do with you?

“We’ve never been here before” was delivered so late in the conversation that the only purpose it served, at that point, was to buy you some time. You had all the information you needed, right from the beginning and your snappiness was textbook blame shifting. Your indecisiveness isn’t the host’s fault. You’re here because your friends told you about the place, but the garden wasn’t a part of the appeal? They didn’t mention it? Or, maybe you just didn’t believe they meant like a garden, garden that’s outside, outside.

If you had to be seated by the host once, what makes you think you don’t need to be reseated by the host if you don’t like your current table? If it’s OK for you to just get up and move wherever you want, why would there need to be a host, at all?

Stay tuned for more on guests moving themselves without checking with the host, first. What a joy. That deserves it’s own story.

Host: “Hello. How many?”

Guest: “There’s three of us”

Host: “OK. The wait is about half and hour”

Guest: “OK”

Host: “Let me have you put your number in here and we’ll give you a call when your table is ready”

Guest: (puts in their number) “OK, so you’ll just call me?”

Host: “Yep, we’ll give you a call when it’s ready. Thank you”

Guest: “Thank you”

When the host gets to their name on the wait, she calls their phone (as promised). No answer, but she thinks she hears someone’s phone ringing at the bar. She calls again. She heard correctly. It was their phone. They had gone to the bar and decided to stay and eat at the bar. They were already eating their food when she spotted them ignoring the phone call.

I believe what you meant was:

Guest: (comes back up to the host stand after 15 minutes) “We decided to just eat at the bar, so you can take us off the list.”

Host: “Thank you for telling me. Enjoy your dinner”

Guest: “Thanks so much”

If you have to sign in, which involves giving your name and phone number, after which you are told you will be getting a phone call, please respect the host staff’s time and effort. It’s someone’s job to take care of you and get you seated. Host’s aren’t mind readers. Nor do they have eyes in the backs of their heads when the room is packed. They got the information from you that they needed to do their job. When you walked away from the host stand it became  your responsibility to let them know of a change. They have everyone in the room to deal with. So, before you let them just go ahead and plan for -your- table, get it ready, specifically for -you- and -your party’s- needs and call you multiple times just to end up watching you ignore them, please, let them know not to bother.

The same goes if you decide to leave and not wait for your table. You have to walk right past the hosts when you leave. Tell them you’re leaving. Just tell them you’re leaving. You’re probably going to literally bump into one of them on your way out. Just tell them. Just tell them you’re leaving. You can’t be bothered? You can’t just take a second for common curtesy? Let me paint a picture for you:

One of the hosts is going to stand there in the middle of a crowded room with people everywhere (and ten other things they could be doing, instead) and listen to your phone ring which is stuffed inside your purse and you’re already back in the car with your friends and the music is up and you’re completely unaware.

You just can’t be bothered to not do that to someone?

OK. Cool. Thanks.

Host: “Hello” (smiles)

Guest: “How long is your wait?”

Host: “It’s about twenty minutes.”

Guest: “OK, thank you.” (walks off to the side to wait)

Host: (calls out over the noise to get the lady’s attention)”Miss? Did you want to get your name in?”

Guest: “Oh, yeah.” (gives name)

Host: “How many people are in your party?”

Guest: “Oh, right, we have three adults, one kid and a baby.”

Host: “Will you need a booster or a high chair for the child?

Guest: “Oh, no. He’s like nine.”

Host: “OK. So, you need four chairs and you also have a baby.”

Guest: “Yes. Well, it’s not my baby.”

The host ignores this last statement.

Host: “Will you need a high chair for the baby.”

Guest: “Oh, um. I’m not sure, probably? Yeah, probably”.

Host: “OK, so it will be four and a highchair?”

Guest: “Uh. Yes.”

Host: “OK. Let me have you put your number in here and we’ll give you a call when your table is ready.”

Guest: “Oh, OK. I just put my number in here? My cell phone number?”

Host: “Yes, and we’ll give you a call when it’s ready.”

Guest: (starts to put in number) “Wups, I did it wrong.”

Host: “No problem. We’ll just clear it out and do it again.” (clears out the number) “There we go.” (smiles) “It is a little weird to type in your own number.” (quick little laugh, for empathy’s sake)

The guest ignores this nicety.

Guest: (starts to type again) “Oh, shoot! I did it again.”

The host clears the number again. This happens twice more before the number is finally entered correctly.

Guest: “So, you’ll text me?”

Host: “We’ll call you.”

Guest: “Oh, my ringer is off. You said it would be a text.”

Host: “It will be a call.” (smiles with much effort)

The lady walks away looking at her phone. Several other tables check in. The lady returns.

Guest: “My phone died. Can my brother-in-law come in and give you his number?”

Host: “No problem, yeah, we’ll just have him put his number in and we’ll call him instead.”

A few moments later guest #2 walks in

Guest #2: “Hey, how’s it going? I just put my number in, here?” (starts pushing numbers before the host had time to set it up for him)

Host: “Hello. Oh, sorry, here, let me just clear that out and get it ready for you. There we go. Yep, just type it in, right here.”

Guest #2: (looks at the first lady) “Did you tell her its going to be six of us, now?

Guest (lady): “No”

Guest #2: “Yeah, we actually have six in our party, now.”

Host: “OK. So, it will be six and a high chair.”

Guest #2: “Yes”

Host: “OK guys. No problem. It shouldn’t be too much longer.” (smiles)

The host gets to their name on the list and calls Guest#2’s phone. There was no answer the first time. She called back a minute later. He answered on fifth ring.

Host: “Hi. This is the host. Your table is ready if you’d like to go ahead and come back to the host stand, we’ll get you seated.”

Guest #2: “Do what, now?”

Host: (hesitates and thinks to herself, ‘you can do this, process of reasoning, process of reasoning, I believe in you’)

Guest #2: “Oh, our table. Ok. Sure. Ok. Yeah, thanks.”

They all come in to be seated. There are four adults, one nine year old, two toddlers and two babies. Both toddlers need booster seats and both babies need high chairs. Each baby is in a stroller and one of the adults is eighty five and can’t go up any stairs.

90% of all large parties are seated on the patio which is up a flight of three stairs.

Host: “Oh, so we have seven who need seats and two high chairs?”

Guest (lady): (looks at her sister, one of the mom’s) “I told her that, already.”

The host wilts internally at the thought of having to tell them, it isn’t ready- she was planning for something very different that what stood in front of her.

Guest #3 (one of the mom’s): “We need to sit somewhere where we can keep the strollers close by and just take the carriers out and then have the high chairs, just in case. We’ll probably use them.”

Guest #4 (one of the dad’s and grandson-in-law) “She can’t go up any steps.” (referring to grandma) “So, we need to be somewhere on the lower level. I know you guys have that patio area. I’ve been here before.”

Guest (original lady): “Oh, and I don’t think I was counting myself. There are five adults.”

The host ignores this last statement.

The host has to skip two parties who, of course, were the two parties standing around watching the host’s every move to make sure they weren’t skipped, and explain to them what was happening and promise that they were the next two in line once they got this table seated for which she was given very hateful looks.

Please,

Pick someone who knows what the hell is going on (in life) to be your party’s ambassador. Every single detail given to the host about your party and your needs was either false, incorrect or left out completely and not amended until you were being -called to your table- like, to sit down. The particular recipe for your party’s needs, alone, was already a twenty-five minute long concoction for the host staff to stir up for you. But, more, as it turns out, it was all wrong. Not to mention the fact (let’s go back) she almost walked away in the beginning without giving ANY information, at all. And for the record, what’s almost worse than any of this is the self-serving manipulation of the words that were spoken. The host never said the word, ‘text’. In fact, you were told, twice that it would be a ‘call’.

It’s not magic, folks. That’s about all I’ve got left after something like this. It’s not magic.

Host: “OK, thank you. We’ll call you when your tabl…”

Guest: “How much longer?” (interrupts, leaning in from the side)

Host: “We’ll give you a call when you’re table is ready.” (finishing what she was saying to the guest in front of her and offers a familiar smile of gratitude and assumption that this person wouldn’t do something so rude and takes a sip of water to give herself some time to shake it off and, as a long shot, to also give the interrupter a chance to realize himself, to no success)

Guest: “How much longer?” (steps in closer, still leaning, stiff)

The host puts her cup down, looks at the guest and steadies herself, smiles

Host: “What’s your name?”

Guest: “Sommers”

Host: “Let’s see” (looks up and down one page, then flips back to the previous page and cannot find that name). “Sommers?”

Guest: “Yes” (panic in the voice, posture stiffens to what seems a painful seriousness. “I think we’re on the first page” (he leans in so close, the host could smell his nostril breath and starts running his finger up and down the page)

Host: “Oh, is it Larry?” (she happens to recall this particular interaction, sometimes she is good at remembering, but on a Friday night, she felt pretty good about that one, and well, it’s a good thing, isn’t it?)

Guest: “Yes, yes that’s me, Larry, yeah. How much longer for us?”

Host: “Let’s see, you guys came in right at 8:15. It’s 8:35 now. It’s probably going to be the full hour/hour 15 minutes that I quoted you guys. So, probably around 9:15-9:30” (internally explodes with delight and sweet vindication at the ‘time in’ column on the wait sheet)

Guest: “Oh, really? Hm. OK.” (stands there, stiffer still, dubious now and remains as oblivious to the nine or so newcomers standing in the doorway waiting to get their name in as he was to the guest he interrupted, in the first place)

I believe what you meant was:

Guest: “Sommers.” (when asked your name at the door). “OK, thank you.” (went and waited at the bar until your phone rang)

Ah, there we go. Because:

First of all,

You gave the name, ‘Larry’ and didn’t even remember. So, after interrupting the host while she was talking to someone else, you jumped in front of several others to get your answer, then further wasted the host’s precious time by forgetting that ‘Sommers’ is not what you had her write down. Secondly, it had only been twenty minutes out the hour-hour 15 minutes you were quoted to have to wait. Look around you, sir. Stop and think for a minute (or 60-75 minutes) and realize your situation. There are 175 people in here right now and they all have a name on the list. They’re all waiting. The host is one person having to deal with all of them. You interrupted a conversation, you invaded someone’s personal space, you breathed on someone, you couldn’t even put forth the effort to remember the name you have the host looking for, 45 minutes too early, and you still think something is off? There’s something the host is just, not getting, something you shouldn’t have to be dealing with, waiting for, being made a victim of, well, not you, anyway, not you. Surely, the rules don’t actually pertain to you, too like they do everyone else, surely, that can’t be what we’re implying.

Lastly, considering the nature of your approach, the assumptions made in the following questions/statements are not only fair, but must be true:  How can you take that much time for yourself in that situation to ask the host twice, with space in between the first question and the echo of it moments later, (an unrealized opportunity orchestrated by her to help you see yourself) “how much longer”and not, at any point, realize that you were asking the host to, not only look at your face and automatically remember your name, but remember a name she never actually wrote down, and not only a name she never actually wrote down, but where you were on the list, and not only where you were on the list, but what time you came and in, and therefor, be able to toss an answer back at you as if it were a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question. Then she could simply carry on with her task at hand. ‘Just real quick, throw me my answer and you can get back to what you were doing’. How else would the success of your quest be possible, in the specific way that you set forth to achieve it, if not by these assumptions?

The existence of other people, common curtesy and jobs that you’ve never had to do because they are beneath you are things. Look into them. Doing so might help you become a human being.

*I made up this name. However, this happens more often than I care to remember so there is a chance the name and story could sync, but probably not.